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The majority of life`s greatest lessons are learned while observing your drunk friends.
My bank account is more like a countdown to homelessness.
Why do people say ”I saw it with my own eyes.” Do they sometimes use other peoples eyes?
And then her mood ring just...exploded
Singing passionately in the shower: Pretty good idea. Dancing passionately in the shower: Not so much.
I swear, if my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party.
The best way to deal with dumb people is to never leave your house sober
I was going to get a lot of stuff done tonight, but I didn`t. Because, you know...beer.
I would go for a jog today, but it looks like all of these cupcakes expire today as well.
I`m bored, I think I`ll ask my boyfriend if I look fat. - women
Coffee gives me the illusion I`m actually awake
I like confusing kids by telling them I`m older than the internet
I`ve created a new gym to help with the child obesity problem. There is no building, I am just slowly driving around neighborhoods in an ice cream truck without ever stopping.
Texting while sitting at a stop light: Helping save lives every day by preventing T-bone collisions with drivers who run red lights. Because of that extra minute it takes for you to realize that the light has turned green, the driver who has no regard for the safety of others entering the intersection legally, can now safely clear the intersection without causing a collision. For this, we thank you.
"Stop, Drop, and Roll" is not JUST an effective fire safety technique, but also a very memorable way of getting out of a boring conversation. :P