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I want to cover you in expensive things…like gasoline.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life`s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
Once your pants catch fire, the fact that you`re lying becomes less important.
Let`s all play a game: For every political post, you must post 5 non political posts. #makefacebookhappyagain
Why isn’t our beer color coordinated for all holiday occasions, instead of just St. Patricks Day?
And now it`s too hot outside to take down the Christmas lights
All you single ladies, please stop saying you should just give up and get a cat. If no man wants you, don`t subject an innocent cat to a life with you.
I`d like to give a shoutout to all the people who are going through an identity crisis, you know who you are... I think.
I hate it when someone starts to tell me something, then says "Never Mind".
Can you find the the mistake? 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10. Click Funny if you did..
I put the hot in psychotic.
I asked my wife what women really want, she said attentive lovers. Or maybe she said "a tent of lovers." I wasn`t really listening.
The only thing worse than it raining after you wash your car is having to go poop after you get out of the shower.
Sorry I got really drunk and ended up being really mouthy and offensive at your party next week.
If you play my workday backwards, it`s actually a nice story about idiots getting less and less annoying.