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Pretending to tolerate other people is exhausting.
Tequila... cuz the bed isn`t goin to spin itself!
Did you know that if you light a candle under the moonlight and you say 3 times the name of the person you love, you will look really stupid doing that!
"What doesn`t kill you makes you smaller." -Super Mario
It would be a lot easier to drink the recommended 64oz of water a day if it was beer.
I’m the king of balancing more trash on top of an already full trash can.
How do some people manage to sit on it and talk out of it at the same time?
I`d kill for a microwave that plays Europe`s “The Final Countdown” during the last 30 seconds.
I told my wife that I have a sexual satisfaction guarantee policy. If you`re not completely satisfied, we`ll just do it all over again. Guaranteed.
If you see me laughing like a crazy person, think nothing of it ..it`s just the voices in my head telling me jokes!
I hate it when auto-correct changes my "omg" to "OMG" like, chill out, I`m not that surprised.
So Stevie Wonder is going to become father to triplets next year. I guess he didn`t see that coming...
I miss the good old days..when you could slam the phone down.!!
if sexyness, kindness, sweetness was a crime, You would be the world`s most wanted
People always ask me, where do I come up with my status`, do I make them up, or do I get them from the internet.. Truth is people. I use Status Enhancing Drugs.