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"I`m on my way." -People who haven`t even left the house yet.
I keep trying to avoid trouble but I think it likes me.
My phone battery lasts longer than relationships these days
It is literally impossible to prove that Harry Potter wasn`t just in his parents basement on acid the whole time
Why can’t they make the whole week out of Saturdays?
I need a Shazam app for people I`m supposed to recognize but can`t remember
Ladies, if he calls you crazy, don`t get upset. Crazy girls are better in bed so take it as a compliment. But stab him, just in case...
Send a man to the store to get 5 items, he will come home with 4. Send a woman to the store to get 5 items she will come home with 54. Its science.
My boss said “Dress for the job you want, not the job you have.” Now I’m sitting in a disciplinary meeting dressed as Batman.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
What’s the answer to this question?
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
Some people need a shock collar. I need the remote.
Rob Stalker for congressman........Stalker....a name you can trust.
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead...