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I just want someone who will love me for the a$$hole that I am ;)
Why doesn’t a deli slicer just have a scale on it?
Why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo? Who has hair on their shoulders? Who`s shampooing their shoulder hair? ... please come forward.
My best childhood memory was falling asleep on the couch and waking up in bed…. I miss teleporting. It never happens to me anymore.
The worst about the weekend?? The ending part.
Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I`m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
If there was an award for most pessimistic, I probably wouldn’t even be nominated.
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Obesity: When you buy a hula-hoop and it fits you.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
I give great marriage advice if you want to be divorced.
If I didn`t drink, then how would everyone know how much I love them at 2am?
If buying new underwear is evidence of an affair, my husband has been faithful for at least nine years.
We didn`t take a video recording of our child`s birth but we have some awesome video of his conception.
People at airports must not workout much because they are all using these treadmills wrong...