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Between Criminal Minds, CSI, Law and Order, Castle, and Monk...I am now fairly confident I can get away with pretty much anything.
if you want me to go running with you, I´m going to need some motivation... Like a clown waving a bloody knife and chasing us.
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore.
I have lots of great personality traits. Or as my doctor calls them, symptoms.
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps "Latest Speculative News" or "We Really Don`t Know Shit" would work. CNN call me.
Just used the holiday card with your kid`s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
I saw a sign that said "watch for children" and I thought "that`s a fair trade."
1. OMG will this ever end? 2. OMG will this ever end? 3. OMG will this ever end? - top 3 things on my mind when I`m in a conversation
Applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
That last phone call with my wife was so boring, I feel like I owe the NSA an apology.
Some days I just wish I was an octopus, so I could slap eight people at once.
Don’t start an argument with a girl because they have 45030194 GB memories and will bring up something you did at 2:27PM on April 23rd 2008.
A word to the wise ain`t necessary - it`s the stupid ones that need the advice.
Never make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for longer than 6 months.
Relationship has 12 letters, but then again so does alcohollllll