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The worlds gonna end in 5 days & I don`t know what I`m gonna wear.
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Then go find somebody whose life gave them vodka and throw a party.
I`ve set my "life goals" to stuff I`ve already done so literally every day now I`m overachieving. It`s all about perspective.
Let`s simplify this. Deliver a pizza to me every night unless I call.
Some people just need sympathetic pat.........on the head........with a hammer
Some marriages end up fine, the others last forever.
DATING TIP: never reveal how many cats you have.
stupidity is a privelege entitled to everyone but you my dear are abusing this right
Cool things about being a turtle: 1. Born with a free house attached to you 2. Super chill 3. Could potentially mutate into a ninja
She said she was stripping to feed her kids but then got pissed when I started throwing canned goods at her
I know how to wink my eye in like twelve different languages.
I don`t think the guy below me understands how this works.
I would unfriend you but I enjoy laughing at your life.
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
1. Denial 2. Anger 3. Bargaining 4. Depression 5. Acceptance – My stages of getting ready for work