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If you`re bored, wear a cape. Then you can be Super Bored
I think the tie was invented by someone who wanted to express how he felt about work but thought an actual noose was too obvious.
I am the bestest at the English language...
I feel like dinner parties are secretly competitions about who watches the most news and documentaries
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would`ve been if he`d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
"That wasn`t chicken in the Chow Mein" I`d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
I bet it’s pretty hard at a mime’s funeral to figure out when the moment of silence is over.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
When a man talks dirty to a woman it`s sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man it`s $3.95 per minute.
I might not be smarter than a 5th grader, but I can buy beer.
I liked you better before we met.
You got your chocolate in my peanut butter!
The best way to get over someone is probably with your car
Cops are allowed to tell women they have the right to remain silent, but when I do it I wind up with a fork in my leg.
Carrots may be good for your eyes, but alcohol will double your vision.