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Setting my coffee maker to `stun`
When people said they sleep like a baby, it`s because they do not have one.
It’s a good thing not everyone has a smartphone. Someone has to honk when the light turns green.
We will always have that special 5 minutes before I started creeping you out.
Social Media Awkwardness: When people "like" a relationship status of being single by your ex instead of yours.
The trouble with going out in the cold at my age is by the time I get all bundled up, I’ve forgotten where I was going.
So I was thinking... We should get drunk and make bad decisions.
I used to date this girl that worked at Hasbro, but I finally got sick of all her games.
I bought a huge plastic Christmas tree today! the shop assistant asked me if I was going to put it up myself? I told him "Don`t be stupid, i`m gonna put it in the lounge room"
“I demand a recount.” – Me, in a nugget dispute at McDonald’s.
My kitchen is actually nothing more than a fruit hospice
Looking forward to `Breaking Bad` merchandise. Especially the cook book.
The thinner the eyebrow, the crazier the woman.
Getting old sucks. I use to wake up feeling like a million bucks. Now I feel more like a bounced check.
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle? WHY!!??