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Ask your doctor if walking blindly into traffic is right for you
If sex is said to be the best exercise, than why are there no fitness clubs for that. Now there`s idea. . .
My son just accused me of making stuff up. I wouldn`t mind but I don`t even have any children!
Do you like me? Breathe for yes, lick your elbow for no.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket .. I´d miss you alot and think of you often.
So this guy pointing a gun to my face was like: Your money or your life! and I was like: I`m on Facebook, I don`t have money or a life.
Hey whiny kids with iPhones: when I was your age, I played with a stick.
If a woman tells you that you’re right, that’s called sarcasm.
If my life was a GPS it would constantly be recalculating
Divorce: Step 1: She throws all your sh!t in the street Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
We`re all just nudists in disguise...
Kids today will never know the frustration of having to rewind their dads porn tapes to the exact same spot...
I`ll never understand women. They hate when you ask their age, but get mad if you forget their birthday.
"Please take a seat" was a bad introduction for a Kleptomaniacs` Anonymous meeting.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the whatever.