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Spread happiness by smiling at a stranger today...or flash them your boobs. Strangers love boobs!
You can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn`t come back, what you`ve lost is a regular pigeon.
All my biological clock does, is let me know when it`s time to eat again
How did the person who invented the first clock know what time it was?
A drunk man walks into a bar...but enough about me...
Sometimes I meow back at cats.
If my "check engine" light would check my wallet, it would know there`s nothing I can do about it.
Ever wonder why divorces are expensive? Because they are worth it!
Every shape I had to learn above octagon was just a total fu*king waste of time.
I was planning on doing something today, but I haven`t finished doing nothing from yesterday.
When you`re a kid, you hate those moments when there is absolutely nothing to do. As an adult, you live for them.
Every time I almost think humanity will be okay, I see someone struggle with the self-checkout for 20 minutes.
My New Year`s resolution is to help all my friends gain ten pounds so I look skinnier.
I think germs are so nice for waiting 5 seconds before attacking food that falls on the floor.
He said he liked surprises, but when I showed up late at night dressed as a clown and knocked on his window, it`s all screaming and sh!t.