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ALCOHOL - Because no good story ever started with someone drinking a glass of orange juice.
I need to find a way to be asleep but still get all my work done.
I wish Tony the Tiger would burst into a raisin commercial and yell “They’re graaaapes!”
NERD WEDDING: Instead of saying “I do.” They say “I accept the terms & conditions.”
I just started dating a homeless girl and it`s great! When I take her home, I can drop her off anywhere I want.
I never owned a telescope, but it`s something that I`m thinking of looking into.
Dating a single mother is like pressing continue on some one elses saved game
My daily routine: Wake up, be awesome, go back to sleep.
My dad always used to say, "The sky`s the limit!" Which is probably why he got fired from his job at NASA.
My date just saved me tons of money by simply saying, "no, I don`t want to be your valentine and stop texting me!"
It is a sad day when you go to all the trouble of getting a Frontal Lobotomy and no one notices.....................
If you think your wife has a sense of humor, try leaving a trail of rose pedals leading to a sink full of dirty dishes
A guy knocked on my door asking for a small donation for the local pool, so I gave him a glass of water.
Walking out of a store after not buying anything and thinking, "try not to act like a criminal, try not to act like a criminal."
You`d think by episode 133 the Scooby Doo gang would know it`s a guy in a costume every time.