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Just drank a `coffee to go` while sitting. Screw the system!
Those 4 words that will get any girl into bed with you. `I won the lottery`.
Checked myself for ticks ... but I didn`t hear anything.
Lord, grant me the courage to be the person I am under my breath.
You’re not an easy person to like….I like that about you.
Well, it`s about that time of the day when I stop hitting the snooze button, wipe away the drool, open the blinds, and head on home from work.
It`s not you, it`s me. I just don`t like myself when I`m around you.
I can read your mind, your thinking about sex right now, no wait, wait.. that`s my mind, sorry, I can read my mind. . .
I think instead of doing laundry I`m just going to buy a second hamper...
Some days should come with a warning label: This day is going to suck, bring alcohol.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
I`m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
My brain has too many tabs open.
I find the best way to get rid of headaches is to send them either to their rooms or outside to play.
i like boobs