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How is it that when you are dead and a zombie you can rip open a man`s ribcage, but when you are alive you struggle with a bag of chips?
Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I posted "Help, I am in an Iranian prison" everyone would be like "haha good one"
If you have to ask if it`s too early to drink wine...You`re an amateur and we can`t be friends.
Wow! Sit-Downs are way easier than Sit-Ups!
We can only blame ourselves for all the crime and violence today, we removed all the phone booths and now Superman has nowhere to change...
has often thought that what doesn’t kill us makes us drink stronger liquor.
I chose the wrong fork in the road, took the road less travelled and got off the beaten path and now I don`t know where the hell I am.
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores? Same. But I`m in a liquor store.
? Single ? Taken ? Depends on who`s asking.
Sometimes my life feels like a 40 year long episode of Punk`d...
Being normal is boring.
That awkward moment when you are killing it on Mario Kart & then realize you are looking at the wrong side of the screen.
Our parents did the same sh!t too, they`re just liars.
They say children are a gift from god. I`m totally wide-open to regifting.