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Do you ever get that feeling that you are being watched? Because if it is bothering you, I can stop.
I put ALL my eggs in one basket at the grocery store.... Today..!!
You never realize what you have till its gone... Toilet paper is a good example.
Waking up is the second hardest thing in the morning.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night.
I like my women how I like my straws …. Bendy and full of liquor.
Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.
Turns out if you fake your death every monday work catches on.
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
*spits out animal cracker* This doesn`t even taste like hippo.
You`ve cat to be kitten me right meow.
Instead of going to Starbucks, I make my own coffee, yell my name out incorrectly, and then light a $5 bill on fire.
I am NOT high maintenance, I simply have more preferences than most.
The guy who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a download did not take his job seriously at all.
Meanwhile on Facebook someone has made a casserole....