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If, in your relationship, you hear "You`re suffocating me", you`re probably not holding down the pillow hard enough.
Nothing like responsibility to ruin a perfectly good day.
Yes, I know why you pulled me over. I didn`t see you in your little hiding spot over there, so I couldn`t slow down in time.
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn`t just "lay in bed and watch TV all day" I traveled very far thank u
I totally love and fully respect that you`re a little bit slutty
I just scrolled so far back on Facebook`s Timeline... I wound up back over on MySpace. :(
I am starting to think I will never be old enough to know better.
It`s a beautiful day. I think I`ll skip my meds and stir things up a bit
I know it’s “cool” to make fun of celebrities, but the Bieber jokes need to stop. That’s somebody’s daughter.
A massage is just professional petting for humans.
I swear on this f*cking chicken I will never swear again. Oops.
I`m sleeping in tell Friday so ... Happy Tuesday.
I will kill you with kindness even if I have to beat the sh!t out of you.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on Facebook. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
Black holes must be where God divided by zero.