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Don`t rush me, I`m waiting until the last minute.
President Obama says his daughters need minimum wage jobs to "learn what it means to work." May I suggest the same for members of Congress?
I helped my girlfriend with the dinner last night. I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
Its never polite to ask the guy at the next table "are you done with that?" Especially when he`s breaking up with his girlfriend.
If Shrek can find love, so can you. What I`m trying to say is, you look like Shrek.
If someone starts a sentence with "words can`t express," brace yourself, because they`re about to give it a hell of a try anyway.
Don`t tell me what to do unless you`re naked.
How long does it take possums to realize when one of them is actually dead?
It’s my favorite time of the day: How long can I stare directly at my monitor and do absolutely nothing o’clock.
dont love..dont hurt...keep doing flirt..:)
Best thing to do when you`re stuck in a group text is to to throw your phone in the street and start a new life and maybe get some chipotle
In other news millions of facebook user suddenly got their law degree
Teacher:If I had 2 oranges in my left hand and 2 mangoes in my right hand, what would I have?? Student:Big hands!!
I wonder if Monday can see my middle finger from here?
All I’m saying is, you’ve never seen me crying and eating tacos at the same time.