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Birthdays back then: Wow! Look at all these presents!. Birthdays now : Wow damn look at all these notifications!.
Online dating is like shopping for a car online... show me the carfax!! I wanna see the history!
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
You drink too much, swear too much and your morals are questionable. You’re everything I’ve ever wanted in a friend.
Note to self... next time my wife asks what`s on tv, don`t say dust
Can you imagine the reactions 25 years ago if you showed someone a photo album of pictures you took of yourself in the bathroom?
I wouldn`t want lesbian parents. Not because I`m homophobic. I just don`t want to get stuck in an endless loop of "Go ask your mother."
Sitting in the cinema, ready to watch the movie, then BOOM! The human giraffe sits in front of you
Girls who don`t get naked when you`re drunk.. Explain yourselves.
I saw a sign at a cafe that said, "shoes must be worn." I was upset, because my shoes were brand new.
All you need is WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn`t move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn`t, use the tape.
I will never forget the day when she said yes to me because that was the last time we agreed on anything.
Quick question, ladies: If you shave your eyebrows off and then draw them back on, what the hell are you doing?
People born in 1994-1999 have lived in three decades, two centuries, and two millenniums. & they are not even 18 yet.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.