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I wouldn’t have to manage my anger, if people could learn to manage their stupidity.
I got a letter from my crush on Valentine`s Day. Well, technically it`s a restraining order but still....
If you have a parrot and you don’t teach it to say,”Help, they’ve turned me into a parrot” ...you`re wasting everybody’s time.
Me at age 5 "I wish I had a $1" Me at age 10 "I wish I had $100" Me at age 17 "I wish I had $1,000,000" Me at age 26 "I wish I had $1"
Drake isn`t even a rapper anymore. He`s an emotion, like "how are you doing today?" "idk im feeling kinda drake though"
Donuts: An excuse to eat cake for breakfast.
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it`s your neighbor`s window and they`re calling the cops?
If your parachute doesn`t deploy don`t worry, you have the rest of your life to fix it.
There are only two types of honest people in this world.....small children and drunk people.
The closest I`ve come to camping was that one time when I fell asleep in the bushes outside your window with my camera.
I know I don`t look like it but I`m really good looking!
I made you a cake. I also ate it for you.
My Wife does this cute thing where she says that "actions speak louder than words" and then gets pissed at me for just nodding.
I have no idea why they say that counting sheep helps you fall asleep. This farm is freezing and these cows are noisy as hell.
It’s a holiday. You know what that means… Ten million status updates saying the exact same thing. Get ready.