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I like to friend friends of friends then unfriend the first friend to freak out the friend of a friend.
You can`t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
I`m not impatient. You`re just slow.
I`ll be thankful when this thankful month is over.
Apparently, you can only say "Look at you! You got so big!" to kids. Old girlfriends tend to get offended. Who knew?
Yes I walked away mid-conversation. You were boring me to death and my survival instincts kicked in.
I cant afford a Snuggie so I just wear my robe backwards...
I`ve got this great new drinking game where you take a shot every time you want to get more drunk.
I look forward to paying off all my debt so I can get back to just being broke.
When a man talks dirty to a woman it`s sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man it`s $3.95 per minute.
Police ordered me to get out of my car `You`re staggering` said the officer .`you`re not to bad looking yourself` I replied
Marriage lets you annoy one special person for the rest of your life.
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn`t even apply for the job.
Neil Armstrong said "One small step for man...". I would`ve just said "OH MY GOD, I`M ON THE MOON!!!!!!".
I could scroll down my Facebook page and write a country song!!