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I don`t wanna make this weird but that`s just kinda how I do things.
How is it possible that we have one hand that can do everything while the other hand is all, “I can’t even hold a pencil”?
The one good thing about an egotist. They don`t talk about other people.
Have we even tried giving Mother Nature a Snickers?
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they`re in the middle of a race.
lol I rotfl
Why is it called stealing when your WIFI is trespassing in my house?
With all the potato chip flavors available now, I see no point in buying actual food...
Am I supposed to bring condoms to a speed dating event? How fast do these things actually go?
When a man talks dirty to a woman it`s sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man it`s $3.95 per minute.
Answering my phone and saying... FBI fraud division. Has really cut down on the telemarketers.
The only reason I keep my land line is for the eventuality that this is The Matrix.
I`d love to have kids one day. Two days, tops.
Still have my French Maid costume in case any of you have a dirty house. I`ll be happy to sit there and look sexy while your wife cleans....
I will pay good money to anyone who can take me from work, make it look like an abduction and tuck me back into bed.