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A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of "capes in the toilet water" accidents when they went to take a dump.
No matter what the product, a good way to throw off an aggressive salesman is to interrupt him and ask, “Yes, but does it work on cats?”
They should put Prince on the $20 bill and call it $19.99... It`s "The bill formerly known as a twenty."
The snooze button, because there’s nothing like starting your day off with a little procrastination.
My doctor just told me I was suffering from paranoia, well he didn`t actually say that, but I could tell it was what the bastard was thinking.
You better not pout, you better not cry, you better not shout I`m telling you why...we have our own problems and nobody cares about yours.
Respect your parents, they pay for your internet.
This Tequila tastes like an afternoon of fun and bad decisions.
Paying a homeless man to pee on your ex`s windshield, is just about the most fun you can have with 5 bucks.
I need to find a job where I am paid solely on how awesome I am.
I`d engage you in a battle of wits, but I`m afraid you`re unarmed.
You know it`s a classy establishment when they quietly ask you to leave.
The only honest people in the world are small children and me after a couple cocktails.
I feel like people who don`t have at least one bottle of expired salad dressing in the fridge, really have their lives together.