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Waiting to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I`m describing him.
That`s like asking the fat guy to watch the pie.
The secret to dancing is to pretend you have a wedgie and you`re trying to get it unstuck without using your hands.
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
Apparently, you can only say "Look at you! You got so big!" to kids. Old girlfriends tend to get offended. Who knew?
"How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?" -guy who invented condoms
These old people at the bus stop really suck at paintball.
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
Helpful Tip : Never ask the cop to hold your beer while you dig out your drivers license.
Blue&Black or White&Gold? Who cares what color the dress is, so long as its balled up on the floor of my bedroom.
I keep hitting the escape key ... But I`m still here.
Survival rule #1: Don`t go first.
If you put Root Beer in a square glass do you get Beer?
So far my only real accomplishment in life has been not having kids.
It must suck when billionaires wake up feeling like a million bucks.