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If you try and don´t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.
Not all girls are made of sugar and spice and everything nice. I`m made of sarcasm, wine and everything fine.
Thanks to Facebook, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
If someone`s mean to you, just lean in and whisper "I`m a Barbie girl in a Barbie world" to them & get that monstrosity stuck in their head.
Every once in a while I check up on people I hate to make sure I still hate them… I do.
If you hear sirens and see some naked dude with jeans on his head running down the street, be sure to throw me a beer.
My favorite breed of dog? Good question, thanks for asking. Either a corndog or a hotdog.
Dear penis, thanks for not bleeding once a month. Sincerely, every man ever.
I work so hard for my gta V character to have a better life
Understanding women number 476,395: Women like to talk about their feelings.
Scared the mailman today by going to the door completely naked. Not sure what scared him more, my naked body or that I knew where he lived.
What`s the point of blurring out the middle finger on TV, like oh you`ve fooled me, what`s behind that blur? Is it a monkey? A pencil?
People says nothing is imposible.. But i do nothing everyday!!
I don`t even understand Fantasy Football. There are no Dragons, Wizards, or hot ass Elven chicks. I call bullsh!t.
I just realized we cook bacon and bake cookies, get it together English.