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My kids keep bugging me about dinner even after I told them I already ate...
I`d rather run into the four horsemen of the apocalypse than a group of women out on a "girls` night."
My mother was feeling cold so now I`m wearing a sweater.
My death bed confession is going to be epic!
"You have the right to remain silent so as not to incriminate yourself." ~5th Amendment, understood by nobody on Facebook.
My wife thinks I`m at work. My boss thinks I`m home sick. These ducks think I`m awesome because I have the bread.
WOW! This gym thing is a lot harder than it looked on Instagram.
Although the voices aren`t real, they have some pretty good ideas.
FUN THING TO WRITE ON A POST CARD: “Weather is great, having tons of fun! Are you still planning to murder your mailman?”
If I live to be 100, I`m gonna make up some fake reason why, just to mess with people. Like, I ate a pine cone, or drank olive oil every single day...
I wish electronics would scream a little bit when you unplugged them.
I usually want to post intelligent and witty comments. But I end up posting stupid and funny ones so my friends can understand them.
I mostly use Facebook to remember why I stopped hanging out with certain people.
Note to self: the wife does not want an `exercise pole`.
A quiet man, is a thinking man. A quiet woman, is usually mad.