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I`m never wrong. One time, I thought I was wrong, but I was mistaken.
If suppositories were just a bit smaller, they would be a whole lot easier to swallow...........................
Those kids in the Trix commercials were real jerks. Why couldn’t they just share their cereal with the rabbit?
My greatest fear is that I will accidentally use the status update bar as the search bar on my browser.
Someone asked me how much love was worth and I couldn’t answer because alimony is calculated differently in each state.
Worrying: a waste of imagination.
Yes, I talk to myself...Yes, I answer myself and Yes, I argue with myself....and the makeup sex is awesome.
Every night before bed I do this cute little thing where I stare at the Internet for 6.5 hours
"We attack at dawn!" - Hangovers
Whoever said “two wrongs don’t make a right” has obviously never experienced McDonalds breakfast after a night of binge drinking.
OMG, what a day I had. If Monday was a guy, I`d punch him in the throat!
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked ... So did all the other people at the post office.
A father is someone who carries pictures where his money used to be.
I know I am an acquired taste. If you don`t like me, you need to acquire some taste. Or go f*ck yourself. Whichever.
My reaction to stepping in dog sh!t is identical to me logging onto Facebook