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No one is more confident than a drunk girl wearing a guy’s hat sideways.
I should be able to take a sick day if I am sick of the people I work with.
Jehovah`s witnesses tell the worst knock, knock jokes
Don`t be part of the problem. Be the ENTIRE problem.
This beer tastes like I’m going to text you later.
All shoes are technically buy one get one free.
This sushi restaurant has the worst service. "Sir, this is an aquarium"
The bears had it right choosing to hibernate all winter.
Wow, I didn`t know my ex was into orgies until I saw the ad on Craig`s list I just posted.
You had me at "do we need to stop at the liquor store on the way to your place"
Every night before bed I do this cute little thing where I stare at the Internet for 6.5 hours
It`s no fun having nothing to do, fun is having a lot to do and doing nothing.
Do you women realize how silly you all look with your clothes on?
Someone once told me, “GO FOR BROKE” !! I’m happy to report that I succeeded…
The only reason I offer to be the designated driver is so people will get used to seeing me load lifeless bodies into my car.