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Feeling tired as you struggle to get through the day? There`s a nap for that.
Math questions are so stupid! They’re like “If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other, what do I have?” Oh I dunno, a drinking problem maybe?
Kids today don`t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles and pay to walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
A sign on the wall of the drug store said, "Ask the pharmacist if you have questions." How would the pharmacist know if I have questions?
Think of me as an idea. A really, really bad idea.
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
I went to my local shop for a paper the other day. A guy out of no where started to throw eggs, cream and milk at me. I thought to myself how dairy?
People like you are the reason people like me need medication.
My kids are giving all the people on this airplane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
Instead of “single” as a relationship option, it should read “independently owned and operated”
Don`t talk to me like I`m stupid until you know for sure.
I went to the doctor for a check up and he says I`m going to live. But I think he`s wrong and it`s just a matter of time.
I don’t necessarily believe in karma, but I’m gonna be extra careful crossing the street after this weekend.
If I ever get to an age where the music from the ice cream truck doesn`t make me excited, pull the plug.