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It took dozens and dozens of flushes and a plunger, but my guinea pig`s funeral is finally over.
People who text back... "kk" ... Are so annoying! ....and almost racist
I have off-road rage, too
You`ve got to be twins. You`re too stupid to be one person.
The fact that Burger King can sell you 10 chicken nuggets for $1.49 should concern you more than it should entice you.
Somebody asked for my name today, and when I told them they said "That`s an unusual name. You don`t hear that everyday" to which I replied "Well actually... I do"
He won`t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to `SHUT YOUR DOG UP, D!CKS`
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
It`s always awkward ending phone calls with loved ones. I always say, "I love you" and they`re like, "thank you for choosing Domino`s."
Slowly, Waldo`s wife and Mr. Sandiego started putting the pieces together
I like how Reese`s come with two peanut butter cups in the package. That way I can eat one now and then the other one right afterwards.
My decision making skills closely resemble that of a squirrel crossing the street.
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
I spend my weekends farting in libraries and then shushing people that complain.