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I always laugh at myself. If I didn´t, everyone else would be having fun without me.
Guys... If the girl your getting down with doesn`t even have time to fake an orgasm..... It`s prob best you just make your sandwich
When a woman says "what?" its not because she didn`t hear you. She`s giving you a chance to change what you just said.
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I`m like "That`s enough exercise for today"
Why do they ask you "Please press 1 for English, then put you with someone who`s accent is so thick you can`t understand them?
I`m putting more thought into my Halloween costume than into my job.
Nothing is more heartbreaking than unappreciated sarcasm!
Sometimes I let the words in my mind come out of my mouth. And it feels awesome! B)
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
If you see me laughing like a crazy person, think nothing of it ..it`s just the voices in my head telling me jokes!
Why do grown ups pay to go to gyms to exercise on expensive equipment? Can`t we meet at a park after work and play tag until dark?
You’d think my password was “yourmom” because my computer just told me it was too easy.
Don’t you hate when the person you’re Facebook-stalking never updates anything.
They need to put more spider poison in hairspray.
Why can`t we just change the spelling to fit the way it sounds: Bologna = Bolony Lasagna = lasania knife= nife tsunami = sunami politician = a$$hole