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Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
I just gave my ex a big hug which can only mean one thing. That`s right I have the flu and I love sharing.
I`m only a morning person on December 25th
I put ALL my eggs in one basket at the grocery store.... Today..!!
Facebook is basically just you having a conversation with yourself hoping that someone else will join in.
I can already tell this is going to be one of those days where I am not rich and famous.
I don’t think we can get through adulthood without a good sense of humor and a strong middle finger.
I really thought 2015 had potential to be “my year” but we’re 2 months in and that ship has sailed so I’ll try again for 2016.
They say money talks, mine just waves goodbye.
Under no circumstances shall a call be made to another male after 2 a.m., unless its to get bailed out of jail.
The difference between a straight girl and a lesbian is about four or five drinks.
Reason number 347 why I hate Facebook: A guy from high school posted 11 new photos all with the caption "me"
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
Life should be more like Hockey. If somebody pisses you off, you beat the sh!t out of them, then sit in a penalty box for 5 minutes
Drinking Tip: Never buy the first round cause that`s when people care what they`re drinking!