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What kind of paperwork do I need to fill out to get a permit to set my children free in the wild?
Thinking about starting a line of realistic welcome mats with things like "Please don`t stay long!" or "I hope you brought booze."
*breaking news music plays* Last thought of the night: Why is now everyone talkin` bout "twerkin`"? Man, that shyt been `round since the days of Hammer pants and spandex shorts!!!!
Should vegetarians eat animal crackers? ;)
If you go shopping at Walmart and no one stares at you as you walk by, you`re one of them.
I just broke my record for most days lived.
Maybe it`s inappropriate for the first date but if there`s a maze on the menu I`m asking for crayons.
Son: am I adopted? Me: not yet, but we`re hopeful.
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
God is testing me today, but I don`t think he realizes I`m a `C` student.
Do you have to water a Pointsettia or do they die on their own?
In case I drink too much and pass out for a while, Merry Christmas you guys.
I`m thinking one of us should probably break the news to the phone book makers that there`s this thing called Google now
LIFE HACK: Sneak into doctor`s waiting rooms instead of subscribing to magazines.
has a Massive drinking problem ... there is no alcohol in the house!