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If you`ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you`ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
I thought I was a bit hardcore until I saw this guy sucking on a soy sauce packet like an Otter Pop.
My personal fast food philosophy: If nobody knows you went to McDonald`s, you didn`t really go to McDonalds.
I wouldn`t want lesbian parents. Not because I`m homophobic. I just don`t want to get stuck in an endless loop of "Go ask your mother."
How to live a happy life: 1)Do whatever you want 2)Don`t worry 3)Eat whatever you want 4)Don`t take advice from strangers on the internet
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
Christmas spirit? I`m proud to say I`ve got plenty of that. I`ve got rum, whiskey, gin, brandy, vodka and tequila.
Any time that I see someone wearing crocs, I assume they lost a bet.
Apparently my socks never remember “The Buddy System” whenever I wash them.
All I’m saying is you don’t see many neck tattoos on Jeopardy.
One small step for man one giant step for a really small man
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked , "Where were you between four and six?" I said, "kindergarten".
I hate getting my picture taken. Especially in front of a height chart at the police station.
People who over-exaggerate make me so mad that I just want to light everyone on fire.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won`t buy the book.