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Put that down you fat piece of sh!t` - the title of the dieting book I`m writing.
Best thing about being single… -no drama -no fighting -no crying -no feelings -no confusion -no worries -no PROBLEMS!
It’s called karma, and it’s pronounced “haha! Screw you!”
Nothing says "high-functioning alcoholic" like being really good at darts.
Anyone that says I`m a lover not a fighter has clearly never been in a relationship over 6 months
Nothing gets me motivated for 10-15 seconds like a good inspirational quote.
You say you don`t need to drink to have fun. All I`m hearing is designated driver.
Congratulations! You`ve won a lifetime supply of air: Not valid under water, in space, when dead, or while choking.
You know what`s the best part about waking up early? Nothing, it sucks!
I finally stopped caring what other people think ... I hope everyone`s ok with that.
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we`d still be talking about how we`re not finding that airplane.
All this time I thought Bi-Polar was big white bear with no sexual preference.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I`m bored of paying for things
If you think this week was a drag, wait till you see what happens next week!
I`ll sell my broken watch when the time is right.