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I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
Hey Gotham City criminals, why isn’t the first thing on your to-do list “Unplug the Bat Signal”?
Am I the only one who thinks water has that taste that no one can describe?
Raise your hand if you have already spent your daylight savings
We`re shutdown, but not `stop collecting taxes` shutdown. - the government
It`s frustrating to know, I`ll never experience the exhilaration of getting to meet me.
They don`t even serve apples at Applebee`s. Or bees.
Instead of sending people to jail, we should just make them eat the stringy things off bananas..
On the 14th of December I`m going to call people and say "7 Days" then hang up...
Nobody talk to me until I`ve Instagrammed my coffee.
I wouldn`t say I`m a stalker so much as I am a covert observation enthusiast.
The Titanic is a great lesson of why just the tip can get you in a lot of trouble.
I don`t like people who hate certain group of people. But I get along very well with people who hate everybody equally.