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When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Then go find somebody whose life gave them vodka and throw a party.
No one is more confident than a drunk girl wearing a guy’s hat sideways.
Seriously, how can it be considered stealing when my neighbor’s WiFi signal was trespassing in MY house? I’m the victim here!!
I wonder how many strangers have stories about me.
My friend told me that bigamy was having one wife to many. I thought that was called monogamy.
So you constantly feel sorry for yourself and feel the need to tell everyone all about it. I can’t imagine why he left you.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Some people have to learn lessons the hard way. Like with a bat. A bat is hard.
I don`t know why people say life is short....this seems to be taking forever.
The first step is admitting you’re a problem.
I hear lots of doctors are prescribing medical marijuana for arthritis. Given that arthritis is "inflammation of the joints", it`s fighting fire with fire!
The most powerful I ever feel is waving pedestrians to walk in front of my car. “Go forth, and trust that I will not kill you.”
Don`t half a$$ it. It`s not a real nap unless you take your pants off.
Of course I like you, I gave you that roofie didn`t I?
Dear wind, what has my hair ever done to you?