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I`m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
Since smart watches can now read your pulse, there should be a feature that erases your browser history if your heart stops beating...
I love asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because I`m still looking for ideas.
Iām not so much goofing off as impersonating upper management.
I thought I was wrong once, but I was mistaken.
Amnesia sounds so relaxing.
props to the parent at the mall that walked up afterward to ask santa what his kid wanted lol
I wish I had my own private chauffeur. . . . Then I could really commit to being an alcoholic!
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, "where should I put my pants"? "Over there by mine", was not the answer I was expecting.
I`m just looking for a reason not to drink
If I`ve learned anything from the Kardashians it`s that I shouldn`t let my complete lack of talent hold me back.
Humpty Dumpty was pushed I tell ya. PUSHED!!!!!!
Sir, no food allowed in the dressing rooms.` ... what, am I supposed to just guess the pop tart capacity of these cargo shorts before I buy?
There is no time to check time
The fastest way to being happy is to make other people happy. You go first.