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How is it that when you are dead and a zombie you can rip open a man`s ribcage, but when you are alive you struggle with a bag of chips?
It`s not a real relationship until their zip code is in your Weather Channel app.
I retired from being my brothers keeper when I realised that I was letting in goals that wouldn`t have scored if his post was empty
I used to make fun of my dog for barking at dogs on TV until I caught myself in the car pulling over for a siren on the radio.
I once overdosed on Viagra. My wife took it really hard.
The police want to interview me. Strange, I didn`t even apply for a job there.
Hey, sorry I missed your call. I saw your name on the caller ID and I didn’t want to ruin my day by talking to you.
Telling people your phone is gonna die, But you really just don’t want to text them.
Today I recently discovered how to make my p@nis 12"...I just fold that b!tch in half.
You’ll never get the same results running in place as you will running from a lion.
This is odd?!?! The hour we lost this weekend was the one when I was planning to go to the gym.
This status update is a test. It is only a test. Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror and you would not have been notified.
roses are red violets are blue da shit in my back yard looks jus like you
When I am working, I get paid to be nice. I don`t understand why my friends and family expect me to do it for free during my time off.
It`s acceptable for someone to eat cereal for breakfast, lunch, and dinner as long as they still go to the gym, right? I`m asking for a friend...