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I`m not sure where you learned to whisper but I`m guessing inside a helicopter surrounded by f*cking chainsaws.
There would be fewer problems with children if they had to chop wood to keep the television set going.
Advantage #46 of being single. I have entire closets that are completely empty.
I love Alfredo sauce ... Unless you`re a dude named Alfredo.
If kidnapping is a federal offense, then why is marriage legal?
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
I went to open a can of Whoop-Ass but it had a child-proof lid.
My dad says that if I don`t stop typing so loudly, he`s gonna slam my face into the fidbdiUHy6hivIifHfGK
Don´t call me crazy. I much prefer the term "mentally hilarious"
I don’t know what it is but, it’s on sale.
When everything is coming your way ... You`re in the wrong lane.
Always keep a bottle of wine in the fridge for special occasions. You know…like Thursday.
"There`s more than one way to skin a cat." -Chinese restaurant proverb
Its weird how your entire day flashes before your eyes the moment you realize that your zipper has been down and you haven`t pissed in 8 hrs
What does "it" mean in the sentence "What time is it?"?