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I don`t need glasses ... I drink straight from the bottle.
I had hopes and dreams. Now I have vodka and Facebook.
They should make an app that tells me how many Oreos I can eat for every mile I jog.
I like to spend Monday morning trying to remember what I was avoiding doing at work on Friday.
Have you ever just sat there and realized how weird you are?
I`m proud to announce that I`m still the undefeated champion at racing with drivers who don`t know we`re racing.
Government Shutdown: Day Three Jellystone Park still closed. Still no pic-a-nic baskets. Yogi stares at Boo-Boo... Boo-Boo looks tasty.
Being alone with my thoughts can be quite boring unless alcohol is involved
Apparently, you shouldn’t ask your wife if she’s off her meds more than once a week…
Some people are too chipper early in the morning. They don`t realize how bad it is for their health.....until I`m choking them
Living out of your car isn`t so bad if you keep telling yourself you`re "on tour"
If your cat has a Facebook page, we can`t be friends.
The Family Reunion went pretty good until they all figured out that I wasn`t related to any of them
Actions speak louder than words, unless those words are spoken by a drunken woman.
person 1: i can draw really well person 2: i`m really athletic person 3: i`m hilarious and likable person 4: i`m gorgeous me: i can breathe