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I love being married. It`s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
I`m never wrong. One time, I thought I was wrong, but I was mistaken.
Why do people with bad breath always have to tell me secrets?
Rum balls, rum cake, rum spiked eggnog, rum in fruitcakes...you know, anymore, there`s more of the Captain than of Christ in Christmas...
Girls here`s how to tell if a guy wants you for sex - 1: He does
Stress from children can take 10 yrs off your life Drinking alcohol from stress can take another 10 yrs Based on my math, I died 5 yrs ago
Game of Thrones characters should have to wear jerseys with their names on the back
Dating someone based only on looks is so shallow. Consider other things, like, do they have a lot of money.
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it`s a small soft drink.
I don`t blame Monday. I blame Saturday for not matching my Powerball numbers
Better late than pregnant.
That depressing moment when you dip your cookie into milk for too long, it breaks off, and you wonder why bad things happen to good people.
I want to see a pregnancy test commercial where 2 single people high five the sh!t out of each other because it`s negative.
Im just waiting for the day for Ashton Kutcher to go to Charlie Sheen and say "its stilll your show. YOU JUST BEEN PUNK`D!"
To the individual who sat outside in their car, across the street from our house, at 530 am and had Led Zepplens Immigrant Song blaring at full volume, I have one thing to say to you! AWESOME CHOICE DUDE!!!!!!!