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Yes I`m still bitter about my name not being mentioned in "Mambo No. 5"
Statistics say that 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea. Does that mean that 1 enjoys it?
Based on how many times I`ve dropped my phone, I`m gonna hold off on the whole baby thing.
I`m not above slashing my own tires to avoid going to this family brunch.
I love you more each day as my other options diminish.
“Single and ready to mingle” is the fancy way of saying “Alone and desperate”
We`re up to Fast n Furious #6. Shouldn`t they just create a weekly TV series?
Marriage: an expensive way to get your laundry done for free..
It was so cold that when we milk the cows we got ice cream.
I feel like there’s something missing in my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes and sighing heavily and crossing her arms and holding in a fart.
So Stevie Wonder is going to become father to triplets next year. I guess he didn`t see that coming...
If I was famous I would just knock on peoples doors and be like ... Hello, yes it`s me.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
Girls are supposed to dance. That`s why god gave them parts that jiggle.