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Anyone who says sunshine brings happiness has never danced in the rain.
My nephew asked me what marriage was like. So I gave him a candy bar and told him not to eat it.
Given enough coffee, I could rule the world.
My friend told me that bigamy was having one wife to many. I thought that was called monogamy.
Highschool Reunion? What for ? I`m on Facebook. I already know who got fat.
Ever update an app and realize the "fixed issues" were all a lie and it will never be the same? That`s what going back to an ex is like.
I think my "check engine" light has finally burned out. So that`s good.
Apparently, when people say "I could use a hand" it doesn`t mean they want to get slapped in the face.
Looking back, it was a good thing I was too wasted to fire up the chainsaw.
You know it`s time to get a girlfriend when you masturbate in different positions
Sixth in line to the throne takes on a different meaning when you’re not in the royal family but in a dive bar.
I was just thinking…Then I thought “why?”... So there will be no more thinking today.
Hawaii is a great place to live if you hate being eligible for contests.
You know what the trouble about real life is? There`s no danger music.
Karma may "work" but I think that bitch takes a lot of days off