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Sometimes late at night, I dig a hole in the back yard to keep the nosey neighbor`s guessing.
Shhh...you had me at "alcohol may intensify effect..."
I only change the kitty litter like once every two weeks but in my defense I don`t have a cat
I’m not shy, I’m holding back my awesomeness, so I don’t intimidate you.
I should probably eat this entire bag of Oreos tonight since they`re going to expire in 2017.
Imagine, for a moment, what you could accomplish if you had the persistence and drive of the Adobe Acrobat Reader updater.
Every cigarette you smoke takes 5 minutes off your student loan debt.
Don`t be part of the problem. Be the ENTIRE problem.
Drinking always starts out as the best idea you’ve ever had.
If I had known "cuties" were little oranges when my wife asked me to "bring a few home," I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
Turtles make an awesome jogging buddy.
Sometimes I`ll go out in public and socialize with people, those times are called alibis.
If at first you don`t succeed, you`ll get a lot of free advice from folks who didn`t succeed either.
I bought the world`s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it`s terrible.
Leave a comment if you`ve started drinking. Hit the `Like` button if you`re already sh!tfaced. *Cheers*