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Have some fun with your life...call in sick to places you dont even work at.
Sarcasm. Because communicating with morons is hard.
Is it safe to take off my Winter Solstice Glasses yet?
Success is 1% inspiration, 98% perspiration and 2% attention to detail.
My doctor is getting really tired of me asking if the stuff I see in commercials is right for me.
“Get your panties in a bunch” would make a great slogan at Costco.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
If people in horror movies listened to me, they would still be alive.
If I pretend to be dead will you stop talking?
Sometimes I wrestle with my demons. Other times we just snuggle.
Don`t you wish common sense would make a big comeback.
Few people have the balls to admit when they`re wrong. Then again, few people have talking balls.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
Nothing embarrasses a psychic more that throwing them a surprise party.
I wonder who the first person was to see an egg come out of a chickens butt and think...`That looks tasty, I`m gonna eat that.`