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Sometimes, I use big words I don`t always fully understand in an effort to make myself sound more photosynthesis.
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone`s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
People who say `expresso` instead of `espresso,` may I axe you to please stop? Thanx.
Superman wears his underwear outside his pants and he`s a "hero". But I do, and I`m "weird", "creepy" and "never invited over again."
If you believe in reincarnation then your tombstone should say “b.r.b” instead of “r.i.p”.
All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive or married.
Sunday morning = lazy lay in my bed and fart under my sheets all day :)
“I saw that.” -Karma
Welcome to my bedroom,this is where the magic happens.....and by that I mean this is where I read my Harry Potter books.
I’ve never met a weekend that I didn’t like.
They`re called `selfies` because the only one who`s interested in them is yourself.
A word to the wise ain`t necessary - it`s the stupid ones that need the advice.
I never used to mind my wife hitting me in the face as she climaxed until I found out she was faking it.
Ladies: If he’s right handed, and you find the mouse to the left of the computer monitor, there is only one explanation. Sorry Guys.
Once my ex knocked on my door & then shouted that it was her, so I texted “im not home” then seconds later I texted “if u happen to be here”