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“They dared me to” is ALWAYS a valid excuse.
Snoring is just God`s way of ensuring women hate their husbands while they sleep too.
I don’t have bumper stickers because I don’t believe in anything strongly enough to potentially get my car keyed.
I don`t know, guys. The whole "play dead when a bear attacks" thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with...
I don’t like to think before I speak. I like to be just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.
Quick question, ladies: If you shave your eyebrows off and then draw them back on, what the heck are you doing?
I am there for you no matter what, anytime, day or night, unless there is something good on TV or I am eating pie
Don`t forget to get your hurricane glasses before looking at it.
my neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning , can you believe that 2:30am? Luckily for him I was still up playing my drums...
If money grew on trees, Congress would actually care about the environment.
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
Shouting "Not it!" should still make us exempt from doing anything that we don`t feel like doing.
The wife has been missing a week now, police said to prepare for the worst, so I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
I sent off for some information on my family tree. They sent me back a packet of seeds and suggested it would be in my best interest that I just start over.
No one will ever look at you the way I do ... But thats probably because no one will ever do it from the tree outside your window