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The only way you can be right in an argument with a woman is by admitting you`re wrong.
Hi, welcome to adulthood! You`ll be constantly tired except for right before you need to go to sleep.
Thank you Super Bowl for reminding all Americans how bad we really are at understanding Roman numerals
with great power...comes great electric bill...
Let`s be honest, Dos Equis. After a bunch of ANY beer, what guy DOESN`T think he`s the most interesting man in the world?
The guy who used to proofread Hitler`s speeches was the first grammar Nazi.
Likes doing tokyo drifts with the shopping carts when I round the corner of each isle at Walmart.
A court date is still technically a date, right?
Woke up to my teen cleaning the house for "no reason" and now I have a mystery to solve.
I`m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that`s how weather works.
Unplug the copier at work & put a sign on it that says “now voice activated!” Sit back & watch the magic unfold.
what I hate about technology is that even my book ran out of batteries
I`d go to church if they had Wi-Fi.
Want someone to stop texting you? Sleep with them.
When I go into a bar I shout out "YOU CHEATING WHORE!" Whoever turns around is who I`m buying drinks for.