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I`ve spent approximately 2% of my life walking back to the trash can and checking the box to see how long I need to microwave my food.
I can´t wait until Weight Watchers comes out with a beer.
7 billion people on the planet and I can only tolerate maybe 10.
"I have to go eat cake now", should be a perfectly valid reason for leaving a social occasion where cake has not been provided.
To get laid is good. To get off is good. To get laid off is bad.
Size does matter-just ask Pluto.
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
If one goes to online college, do they have to haze them self?
What a snow day inside with the kids! My one son thought it would be a good idea to fill up the garage freezer with snow to save for later and my other son had an "accident" and peed all over the floor in the bathroom. Youd think they know better at 13 and 15 years old! I probably should stop letting them drink beer in the house.
Why is it that whenever I have to turn around in a strange driveway, I feel like they`re gonna come running out with pitchforks and torches?
Whenever you feel like a genius, remember there was a time in your life when you were learning to not poop your pants.
I was disappointed to learn that ‘landlady’ isn’t the opposite of a mermaid.
Hangry: (noun) a state of anger caused by lack of food. May evoke negative change in emotional state. Translation -- Feed me or I`ll kill you.
I find it quite ironic that the most dangerous thing about weed is getting caught with it.
If a cop ever asks me to count from 100 backwards ...I just get in the back seat