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"What doesn`t kill you makes you smaller." -Super Mario
I’d be much more interested in meeting people if I didn’t think most people were idiots.
“Let’s hang out sometime.” - liars
It`s so cold, I just got a $5 foot long from subway, but by the time I got back to my car it was only 6 inches.
Helpful Tip: You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
I hope that man who was walking in memphis found out the way he really felt
I`ve been on a diet for 2 weeks and all I`ve lost is 14 days.
Her: I love it when we finish each other`s Him: pancakes
Last time I saw jugs that big, 2 hillbillies were blowing on them.
CPR is the human version of blowing in to a video game cartridge hoping it`ll work again.
My ex was in a swimming competition with 19 other women today. They were doing the breaststroke. Unfortunately, she came in last place. She didn`t know she could have used her arms!
Shot my first turkey today...scared the crap out of everyone in the frozen food section. It was awesome!
I think it has become obvious that medicine companies have no idea what fruit tastes like.
At funerals instead of crying, I tie the dead person’s shoe laces together. It’s not stupid. What if he comes back as a zombie?
Ugh, I forgot to go to the gym today. That`s 9 years in a row now...