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"Fidget Spinners are so dumb pointless." -The generation that purchased over 5 million Pet Rocks.
Wife is out of town until tomorrow night. Anyone wanna come sit on the other end of the sofa and ignore me?
Girl: I am not having having s@x with guys at the moment. Boy:I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue
"How many people work at your company?" About half of them.
I`m not crazy, I`m just special!!...No, wait...Maybe I am crazy. One second...I have to talk to myself about this, hold on...
Sometimes when I`m bored, I pick out a girl from my list of FB friends that I`ve never actually met and then go back on her timeline and like every single post she made in like 2009......That should freak her out a bit...
"The Twilight Zone" makes me long for the days when you could smoke on a spaceship.
Never underestimate a girl’s ability to find things out.
Worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but doesn’t get you anywhere.
I tried jogging this morning, but the alcohol kept spilling out of my glass, f&ck that.
The name CONstitution sounds so negative. Since `pro` is the opposite of `con` we should call it prosti..... oh wait.
My house is not a mess. It`s just that everything is on display for your viewing pleasure. Like a museum.
"nice crocs. where did you get them?" - nobody ever
Who can really hear themselves thinking?
Firemen must dread the moment when they`re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.