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Hey, somebody get ready to wake up the guy in Green Day.
Watching a movie with the girlfriend tonight. Can anyone recommend a good girlfriend?
I don’t know if I have a stalker, but if I do, could you drop off some milk. Thanks.
Somebody is out there, somewhere, thinking of the impact you`ve made in their life. It`s not me. I think your an idiot.
I was reading that it takes the average man four minutes to have sex, and he’s asleep eight minutes after that. This sounds very dangerous, because by then most men are driving home.
If you don`t leave a buffet looking like someone told you bad news you didn`t get your money`s worth.
They told me to never give up. Now they call me a stalker.
Once in a while, someone amazing will come into your life. And here I am!
Just got back from a job fair. Very disappointed. They didn`t have one damn ride.
"It`s not you, it`s me." -Twins looking at some family photos.
People hate facing the truth. Luckily the truth doesn`t give a sh*t.
That sound you hear when you already closed the cupboard & hear something fall -yeah, that’s the sound of someone else’s problem.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
I hate when I`m about to hug someone really sexy, and my face hits the mirror.
My favorite thing to do on Facebook is to get in a long conversation with someone and then delete all my comments so they look crazy.