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I wish I had a dollar for every time I didn`t have a dollar.
She might be ugly now, but wait a few more drinks.
Waffles are just pancakes with abs.
I don’t like being told what to do…unless I’m naked.
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
Singing passionately in the shower: Pretty good idea. Dancing passionately in the shower: Not so much.
Today is Friday the 13th. Try not to be a teenage girl in her underwear at night at a deserted summer camp today.
Cops don’t like it when they tell you to put your hands up in the air...then you wave them like you just don’t care.
Does anyone actually know what you have to do when people are singing Happy Birthday to you.
I don`t understand fat homeless people. What are you eating? Broken hopes and dreams?
Don`t pick on Aquaman! The crime rate underwater is pretty damn low the last time I checked.
"I don`t see color." - A person who shouldn`t eat snow.
Deep down I don`t believe that paper beats rock.
Practising my breast stroke, so if I ever get a girlfriend I dont do it wrong...
It`s like my pastor always says, "Who are you and why are you stealing wine?"