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French people give me the crepes.
I bet anyone who`s had to fight a bear has snuck at least one hug in
I`m here to pick you up when you fall. Whether I tripped you is another thing...
Wait...so the "c-word" isn`t co-worker?
Birth Control Pills should be for men. It makes much more sense to unload a gun than to shoot at a bulletproof vest.
Sometimes, late at night in WalMart, I switch up all the color tubes in the hair dye kits.
to do list: buy a parrot. teach the parrot to say, "Help!! I`ve been turned into a parrot!"
You can learn a lot from a person especially when you watch them through high powered binoculars, I`m just saying.
My wife told me that her favorite position is when I lay very very still wearing a toe tag and she starts dating again
I thought I was feeling a little bloated today, turns out I had my underwear on backwards.
My phone dies faster than a black man in a horror film.
I fell asleep with infomercials playing on the TV.... I woke up with a strange desire to do P90X with a Shake Weight while in my Snuggie
Sometimes you just have to logout...
I hate brushing my teeth at night because that signifies that you cant have anymore food and im just never ready for that kind of commitment
Some life lessons are so profound; you only need to do them one time. Putting Icy Hot on my balls, for example …