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Condom slogan: Wrap it in latex or she`ll get your paychecks.
Never take a laxative and a sleeping aid on the same night. dont ask me why.
According to the squirrel riding a unicycle in my kitchen, I may have taken too much sleep medication.......
You know what tastes better than one taco? Two tacos!
I`m just standing here...50 yards away, waiting for the restraining order to expire.
I don`t care about your choice in politics, religion, or taste in music... I judge you simply based on football team preference
If I’ve learned anything in my twenty-two years on this earth, it’s that it’s okay to lie about your age.
A boob job sounds like the best job in the world.
Things people say after watching a movie: 5% - I can’t wait for the sequel. 5% - That was a great movie. 5% - That was a complete waste of money. 85% - I gotta pee!!
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
If you eat doughnuts fast enough your Fitbit thinks you`re walking.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree ... I think I found my spirit animal.
I`m sorry, I`ll be busy this weekend walking around my house with mini alcohol bottles and fun size candy bars pretending I`m a giant.
Sometimes I wrestle with my demons. Other times we just snuggle.
Crazy is not a destination, it is a way of life.