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Political debates are great if you want to watch idiots talk to us like idiots to prove that the idiot next to them is a bigger idiot.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior. Me: Can I have another? I`d love to bring a guest.
I`m really good at using the turkey baster as a sword and getting drunk and not being invited to Thanksgiving anymore.
Thank goodness I`m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can`t blame it on the alcohol.
I wish more people would give me the silent treatment.
If A-B-C-D didn’t drag out their part of the Alphabet song, LMNOP wouldn’t have to be so rushed.
I`m going to be the first person to land on the sun! I know what your thinking and thats why I will be going at night.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
I can`t possibly f*ck up the entire universe, so that`s a relief.
Sometimes, the light at the end of the tunnel is just a lost guy with a flashlight.
Autocorrect changed "you`re so wise" to "you`re so wide", and now I need to find a good hiding spot before my wife comes home.
A good thing about dating a vegan is that you could kill 2 birds with 1 stone, when you buy flowers because they`re also a snack for later.
Saw these three things on a corner, in this order: Liquor store, gun store, bank. What could possibly go wrong with that?
My sleep number is 24. That`s a case of beer and I sleep like a baby.
I’m glad to know that we will never have to worry about a lack of weathermen. I mean, I know at least a couple dozen on Facebook.