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My wife just made a "special" dinner "just for me" for no apparent reason. I`m going to die, right ?
Wanna come over tonight for pizza and sex? lol jk, there`s no pizza
Laundry is like sex in reverse: you drop in a load, everything gets wet, then rolls around and ends up dry and neatly folded.
My husband told me that he would leave me if I didn`t give up all my bad habbits.....I nearly choked on my toe nail!
You can tell yourself that Sesame Street is educational but Cookie Monster has lived there for like 40 years and still can’t conjugate verbs.
Sometimes I wish I could officially change "Hump Day" into "Smack-A-Dumb-Bitch-In-The-Face" Day.
If I had to describe myself in one word it would be "doesn`t know how to follow directions."
For lent I`m giving up sex, wait I`m not Catholic. Whoa, that was close
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces. For example: I am going to the liquor store and I`m scared that it`s closed.
Come to think of it, I’ve never seen a taxi fill up at a gas station
Relationship Status: Very relieved socks can`t get pregnant.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people.
When I was a kid “The Server Is Down” meant your waiter was depressed.
Life would be perfect if: Mondays were fun, junk food was healthy, drama didn’t exist, and goodbyes were only until tomorrow.
I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey but i turned myself around and THAT`S what it`s all about