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I’ve found if you tuck one part of a pants leg into your sock, people expect less of you.
You know what’s funnier than watching someone trip and fall? Absolutely nothing!
People often say laughter is the best medicine, but they neglect to mention that an overdose can cause one’s a$$ to fall off.
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
I love how music can take you to another place. For example One Direction is playing in this cafe so now I`m going to a different cafe.
The nice thing about being single is when you`re setting the silverware, it doesn`t matter which side you put the remote on.
People are so ungrateful. No one ever thanks me for having the patience not to kill them.
-buys lottery ticket -fantasizes about winning the lottery -smiles -loses lottery -resumes general hatred for life
I hate when I accidentally eat everything in sight.
If your dog is fat it means that you don`t get enough exercise.
Unless your name is “Google”, stop acting as if you know everything!
Putting your finger on someone`s lips and saying "Shhhh... Not another word" is super-romantic. But the cops didn`t think so.
Lies I`ll never stop telling: 1. I`d never put you in a home, mom. 2. It`s 6 inches long. 3. I have no idea how the PC got a virus.
Basically anything you buy at the hardware store looks like you`re getting ready to take hostages.
I`m not naughty ... I`m mischievously creative