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My favorite outdoor activity is going back inside.
How do they put the "do not walk on the grass" signs up?
Question : if you fart at the gym can people wearing headphones still smell it? Asking for a friend
ME: “We have a problem, the liquor store is closed.” HER: “That`s ok, I don’t drink.” ME: “Ok we have two problems.”
I`m really sick and tired of food having calories...
I`ve been married to my wife 10 years today. Having sex with just one person in 10 years is pure dedication. I don`t know how she does it.
Girls don`t dress for boys, they dress for themselves... If girls dressed for boys, they`d just walk around naked all the time.
OMG! A CUSTOMER ALMOST DIED IN FRONT OF ME TODAY!! But then I counted to 10 and put the scissors back in the drawer. She never even knew.
Stalking is when two people go for a long romantic walk together but only one of them knows about it.
Today`s Horoscope: You`re gullible.
Interviewer: "What did you like best about your last job?" Me: "Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake."
Give up, itsy-bitsy spider. It wasn`t meant to be.
My “I hate you” face must look a lot like my “I’m loving this conversation” face.
Don`t sell yourself short, in fact, don`t sell yourself at all. I`m pretty sure it`s illegal
Being in the friend zone is like being the guy in the band who plays that little triangle.