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Really had my heart set on waking up rich today.
You just don`t see enough people being taken away in straight jackets anymore.
I wonder how long I can keep "eating for two" before people notice I`m not actually pregnant.
Goodnight friends, strangers, pervs, weirdos and a$$holes, and anybody else I left out.
I hope Karma smacks some people before I do.
If one of Santa`s helpers takes a picture of himself with his smartphone, is that an "elfie"?
I love facebook... It`s the only place where I can talk to a wall and not look like an idiot...
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Baby gates are parents` way of saying "this area is locked until you’ve gained more experience."
Velcro is a ripoff
I’ve been that, done that, had that, lost that, needed that and felt that. Just a few of the many reasons why I always drink to “that”.
Judging by all of the cologne and shower sets I got for Christmas either people know I like to smell good or I am failing at it.
A smile is the same in every language, I`m pretty sure the pee pee dance is too
Absolutely is my favourite nothing to do...
My girlfriend told me she wanted me to surprise her with a gift that will take her breath away. I’m thinking about getting her a treadmill.