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Of all the things I have lost in life I mis my mind the most
Lying in bed, listening to the Doors. I really should oil the hinges...
Is it polite or rude to slide a note into the bathroom stall next to you that says, "heard you farting but it`s ok you`re in the right place :)"
People that say “money doesn’t buy happiness” obviously have never been divorced.
Christmas trees are like boobs...the fake ones are nice to look at... But the real ones are so much better
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
It doesn´t matter if the glass is half empty or half full. There is clearly room for more alcohol.
Alcohol and calculus don’t mix… Don’t drink and derive!
"That wasn`t chicken in the Chow Mein" I`d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
Momma didn`t raise no fool. I did this all on my own.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
Google image results are like a party that starts off exactly how you expected and gets weirder the longer you stay.
B!tch Please, your only fan is the one on your ceiling.
Frozen water balloon fights... not a good idea.
I think germs are so nice for waiting 5 seconds before attacking food that falls on the floor.