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The meek shall inherit the earth. Probably because they`re the only ones who won`t complain about what we`ve done to it.
If you got up this morning and ran straight to fb i am 100% POSITIVE its because you missed me.
Here is your New Years Resolution. All of that stupid sh!t you did last year? Don’t do that crap this year. Done. You’re welcome.
I hope I never get to the age when my body can forecast the weather.
You look over-medicated. What`s your doctor`s name?
What do sleeping and sex have in common? I`m not getting nearly enough of either.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with "I got the live bees you sent, they`ll do nicely"
Just had workplace violence training. It`s like HR doesn`t even care about the first rule of fight club.
I hate when I’m alone in the dark and my brain says, “Hey, you know what we haven’t thought about in a while? Ghosts..”
NO, I didn`t say you WERE stupid. I said, you ARE stupid. There is nothing past tense about it.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
When people ask for my advice, I advise them not to take my advice. That really screws them up.
The older I get, the more I sympathize with Squidward`s anger.
there is no strong beer, only weak men
Lightning is like God`s way of saying "Get out of that tree you pervert!"