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So, basically Alexa is just some know-it-all with no actual job skills.
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
Tonight’s forecast. Mostly drunk with a slight chance of passing out.
Saw a billboard ad for potato chips that proudly claimed "There`s a lot of pride in every bag!" Hmmm...is "pride" another word for "air"?
I always close my eyes when I kiss a woman. Experience tells me that if my eyes are open, I get a lot more pepper spray in them.
How to get laid: 1)Lay on bed... Wait 1 hour until lay becomes past tense
I got kicked out of the zoo for feeding the ducks ... to the alligators.
So I`m giving up drinking. Hard liquor. On Wednesdays. In June. Next year. (Maybe.)
Didn`t win the lotto again ... send prayers.
Sometimes you`ve got to ask yourself: "Why am I talking to myself?"
I consider "Not Dishwasher Safe" to be more of a challenge than a warning.
If I ever go missing and there’s a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
sleep is for people without netflix
What`s wrong with having your mind in the gutter all the time?! If it weren`t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless!!!
These ‘energy saving` light-bulbs are bullsh!t. They take just as much effort to screw in as the ordinary ones.