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Always look for the girl with the ponytail holder on her wrist.
Kids may be a gift, but I like playing with the box it came in.
Just once I`d like someone to call me "sir" without having to add "you need to calm down or we`re going to have to ask you to leave"
One thing I`ve learned about women is they prefer that I don`t speak
2 out of 3 isn`t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids.
Most people donate to the homeless. Me? I donate to the topless.
If you think about it,, Batman was pretty lazy about naming all his stuff.
I followed my heart...Now I`m at the liquor store.
You know you`re getting old when cops make you feel safe instead of nervous.
Ladies, when it comes to doggy style.....I`m behind you 100%
I was only 6 numbers away from winning the powerball.
Tried to plug my charger in the wrong hole. Siri was like STOP " I don`t do that ".
Good job on the speed traps, cops – How are the murderer traps coming along?
Hi there beautiful, can I drive you to drink?
Whatever you do in life, always give 100%...unless you`re donating blood...