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All women are bad for me. At least that`s what my wife says.
Dear therapist, I might actually come see you if your job title didn`t spell out “the rapist” Sincerely, not lying down.
Vodka and denial are cheaper than therapy.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
I am sorry I had feelings. I`ll replace them with jokes right away.
Gatorade always has athletes in their commercials sweating and working hard. They really should target their real consumer. A Fat guy on the couch nursing a hangover. Is it in you?
Just found a shopping list in this cart that said, "Beer, wine, crap like that", so apparently my soulmate is still out there.
If God is a woman then how do you explain: 1) Spiders 2) Shoes you can`t afford 3) Periods 4) Men
just realised SATURDAY has the word TURD in it
Even when I’m home alone, I still answer Jeopardy questions out loud.
My idea of getting lucky is having someone else do the laundry.
What do women say when they are actually fine?
I`ve just seen an advert in my local newspaper. ACCOUNTANT NEEDED! $35,000 - $40,000 So I called them up and said, "The answer is -$5,000."
If people could hear the next five seconds after we hit end call, we would all have no friends.
Me: You`re the prettiest girl I`ve ever seen. Her: You just want to have sex with me. Me: And you`re smart too, I like that.