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My Doctor says I`m a serious alcoholic, but I think I`m more of a funny alcoholic.
People always get so excited about the next generation iPhone but no one has caught up with the awesome technology that`s called a Turn Signal.
Now that I`ve maxed out my 401k for the year, I`ll get a tattoo, said no one ever.
Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
It`s so cold outside I just saw a teenager with his pants pulled all the way up!
I’m not shy. I’m just holding back my awesomeness so I don’t intimidate you.
I tend to say “I dont know” when I’m too lazy to think.
I liked you a lot more before I met you.
Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
Common sense is so rare it should be classified as a super power
It turns out that 3 is the amount of times you can suck on your dentist`s finger before she stops believing that you`re doing it accidentally.
There are more important things in life than Facebook and Twitter, like watching TV and having a beer.
The world would be a cleaner place if we gave blind people brooms instead of canes...
Cops are allowed to tell women they have the right to remain silent, but when I do it I wind up with a fork in my leg.
Going to make pizza for dinner!! Ingredients Required: Phone, Menu & Credit Card.. Ohhh I can smell it cooking already!! ;)